Paris Hilton: American Royalty
Paris Hilton was recently quoted as saying "I'm the closest thing to American royalty." Wow, that's quite the statement. I'm sure Americans everywhere are brimming with pride as our royal highness Princess Paris shamelessly dangles and shimmies her unbearable dullness in a vapid lap dance for the world to see. According to our beloved, yet delusional Princess, royalty is characterized by shilling herself out to low grade hamburger chains, starring in a sex video, and babbling "that's hot" because she can't come up with anything else to say. Princess Paris claims she wants to "build an empire" with her "brand" and 14 predicts it will look a lot like Wal-Mart.
LMAO! :)
I love your artwork! It's great! Keep 'em coming!
Greetings from Holland,
Amers
Posted by: Amers | October 14, 2005 at 02:26 AM
Great stuff!!! Keep 'em coming! You are a very talented artist/illustrator!
Greetings from Holland,
Amers
Posted by: Amers | October 14, 2005 at 02:30 AM
14, again, you are a pure genius! I can't imagine life without Paris now that she's everywhere!
Posted by: Salmonella | October 14, 2005 at 03:37 AM
That is perfect. I love the way you have the sandwich sauce dripping down her leg. She has so few brains it's not even funny! Just look at the way she dresses, she's a disgrace. I'm glad there are people like you 14 who can portray these people for what they are--rich white trash.
Posted by: Long Island Irish | October 14, 2005 at 06:10 AM
God save us all the day Paris declares herself royalty. I can just see her in some SouthParkian rendering, sitting on an acctual throne constructed, bedazzled and festooned with hot pink velvet by Heatherette and Bobby Trendy.
All of a sudden, just as the world takes it's collective shudder after Paris' declaration of sovreignty, a rumble erupts from the center of her being, knocking Tinkerbell's diminutive replacement off of the Royal Lap. Paris starts roaring and grunting like a werewolf in transition. People scatter in all directions...
Paris leaps off of her throne as her skin simultaneously SPLITS IN HALF OFF OF HER BODY. A medusa-like figure rises like an evil phoenix from her "Paris Skin" ashes. This winged, taloned beast will forever terrorize the St. Tropez's and Martha's Vineyard's of the Earth, looking for a boy pet to lock up, make appearances with and then break up with and release back into the wild.
Thank you, 14, for the warning. How could we not have seen it coming. The insanity MUST. BE. STOPPED.
Posted by: TheIdleReceptionist | October 14, 2005 at 06:15 AM
Hey! I remember that look from One Night in Paris! Right before she... uhmmm... well, you know...
Bravo, 14! You've obviously done your research! All that's missing is the night vision green hue in the background and the glowing demon eyes!
Posted by: fINGERfOOD | October 14, 2005 at 07:44 AM
Great pic ... however, I think we were being very kind to her likeness when you drew her breast. I've seen Paris in person and she is not that well-endowed.
Love your stuff!
Posted by: MadAngel | October 14, 2005 at 07:52 AM
Awesome! Love the mustard.
Posted by: Janelle | October 14, 2005 at 08:35 AM
The repulsive come-hither look (perfectly captured), the camel toe, the boney man hand, the jizzem-like mustard dripping on her rail-thin thigh . . . damn, you're good.
Posted by: Bragan | October 14, 2005 at 08:42 AM
that's hot.
Posted by: muzzlecunt | October 14, 2005 at 08:49 AM
Ha Ha! Prince Albert's, I mean Charles', twin!
I guess "Royalty" is no exception to trampiness!
Posted by: Michelle | October 14, 2005 at 09:34 AM
If Paris is royalty, then I call for every red-blooded American to rise up with torches and pitch forks to dethrone our porn video, trashy coture, lap dog totin', hair extention donning, fake blonde, fake blue eyes and fake tanned princess.
Hi 14. I love the cheesy dime-store tiara on Princess Paris.
Posted by: wasabi | October 14, 2005 at 09:48 AM
14 ~
Great work, but you were FAR too kind on portraying that freak nose of hers. Plus, the breasts are 2 sizes too big. Love your work!
Posted by: elle | October 14, 2005 at 10:58 AM
I love that you captured her man-hands...next time show her freaky man-feet! You know that bitch wears size 10 or 11 shoes!
Posted by: Burple | October 14, 2005 at 11:21 AM
Also, how clever are you to capture perfectly the way her thumb is always bent up like that!
Posted by: TheIdleReceptionist | October 14, 2005 at 11:41 AM
It's unfortunate for the human race that this bitch is impervious to humiliation. I really wish the forces of the universe would banish her to the nether world and she'd never come back again. She is such an attention loving whore this will never happen. She kind of looks like Nikki here.
That is the most phallic hamburger I have ever seen lodged between white bread labia majora. Glad to see the tomatoes and ketchup symbolize the gorging of the vulva. Ugh! Paris Hilton has probably come into contact with lots of body fluids the color of mustard. I am going to go vomit now and then down some hard liquor. Ew!
So Much Love,
Demon Kitty
Posted by: Demon Kitty | October 14, 2005 at 12:20 PM
Oh Paris, sweetie, listen: no one worships you. You know when something bad happens on the news and you can't stop watching even though you're nauseated? You know how some things are sick and sad, yet oddly compelling? That's you, hon. Please put on some clothes and go back to your room.
Thanks 14 for the laughs and the knowledge that I'm not alone.
Posted by: Bubbles | October 14, 2005 at 04:13 PM
Once again, pure perfection.
Oh, and I'm just finishing the article. So check your email Sunday. =)
Posted by: Mandy | October 15, 2005 at 01:30 AM
Love the camel toe--that's hot!!!
Posted by: wookiegurl | October 15, 2005 at 09:09 AM
I think this young mademoiselle — P H— deserves to spent a few hours counting the votes in Baghdad. Not just eating hamburgers and cleaning cars for a living.
If she suceeds she will be the bravest blonde of the day. Why not the next queen of Irak ? Let's bring politics in the most fashionable way.
Posted by: Brigitte Bardot_On_Speed(s) | October 15, 2005 at 12:59 PM
Priceless, as usual. And you're right... she should have held out at least for Burger King huh? That way she'd *have* to wear a crown!
Posted by: Madame M | October 15, 2005 at 07:52 PM
Mr. artist, you surley are the master of the universe! In this one however, you should not've covered up the long hook nose and lazy eye.
Posted by: Liz!!! | October 16, 2005 at 01:05 AM
Once agian you've captured your subject perfectly, 14.
The vapid stare. Why is this person so important to us again?
Posted by: Morrigan | October 16, 2005 at 02:36 AM
I love it! The dripping mustard!!
Posted by: cherise | October 16, 2005 at 08:05 AM
you are a great drawer. keep it up now make on of those of ashlee simpson
Posted by: Jordyn | October 16, 2005 at 12:47 PM
So close, 14, but Miss Thing here is waay too covered up to be Paris! Don't get me wrong - I have no need to see Her Grace's cha-cha - but you've got to be cruel to be... uh, cruel!
Posted by: jeanne | October 16, 2005 at 05:51 PM
You know, I'm guessing that Paris has had alot of things pass through her lips - though fast food is somewhat surprising.
American Royalty, yeah right.
(great art 14 your at the top of your game)
Posted by: Damien Morgan | October 16, 2005 at 06:57 PM
Mother Mary in puke-yellow polyester hip huggers, this is magnificently, greasily perfect! Just seeing that vapid, half-lidded junior-high attempt at a come-hither look--captured to an excruciating T by your brushes and ink--gives my gut involuntary lurches...
The only thing keeping Paris Hilton from being just another empty-eyed suburban bedhopper whose idea of sexiness is a gas-station-checkstand plastic rose (and a candlelit dinner of convenience-store nachos washed down with a Mickey's Big Mouth) is several million bucks.
Posted by: Viper Tetsu | October 16, 2005 at 09:26 PM
Viper put into words everything I was thinking. I thank you for that!
So now I only need to complement you, dear 14, for yet another example of your limitless talent and ability to bust every self-important, self-absorbed, attention whore in LaLa Land.
I thank you.
Posted by: DonnaJEM | October 17, 2005 at 12:16 PM
American royalty? That's like saying Burger King is American royalty. UUgh! Talk about giving yourself too much credit. I do have to say I agree with MadAngel. Her boobs are not that big.
Posted by: Tara S. | October 17, 2005 at 12:25 PM
Wow, again just stopped by to say thanks for the link 14, yikes!!!
Anyway I'm speechless, no really.
Posted by: Damien | October 17, 2005 at 01:39 PM
"Unbearable dullness" is right on, sister.
Posted by: surcie | October 18, 2005 at 10:48 AM
Love it all!! The dumb look, tacky clothes, and the mustard drop, priceless.
Posted by: Sabine | October 18, 2005 at 11:41 AM
Has her royalness contacted you do an official portrait? You are much kinder to her than the camera. Love your work 14
Posted by: MrBigBoy | October 18, 2005 at 12:58 PM
Brilliant, 14. You are witty, talented, and creative, which is more than anyone will ever be able to say about Paris Hilton. I love how she claims to have "worked very hard" to get where she is. I guess shelling out her daddy's money to pay producers and manufacturers to put her on TV and sell her "Eau de Stank Vaginitis" perfume is pretty hard work.
Love your site!!
Posted by: Whiden | October 18, 2005 at 02:24 PM
Yeah! Can we PLEASE get your interpretation of the creature that is Ashlee Simpson because it would be just too funny!
Great work, again.
Posted by: Wendy | October 18, 2005 at 04:47 PM
I guess I'm a bit tired of Paris... so I wasn't as "wowed" as I usually am when logging on to your site. Sort of, been there & saw the painting of it already. This is one of your less-inspired, 14. Still waiting on Hohan, Cameron/Justin, Brangelina or maybe even Tyra Banks.
I'm usually chewing my nails in anticipation, but I guess I'm starting to take pity on Paris, Brit and poor Katie (scratch that - Kate and the test tube fetus).
Much love, but am waiting for you to fry some bigger fish then the usual fare.
Posted by: carrie | October 18, 2005 at 07:40 PM
Wow, you just made me realize with this picture that this is probably how the world sees Americans.
I feel embarressed and ashamed now. Thanks :o/
Posted by: Genevieve | October 19, 2005 at 08:44 AM
Whiden--"Eau de Stank Vaginitis"
That's great!
...the crown sort of looks like a star fish, and maybe it's feeding off her head...
Posted by: midevil | October 20, 2005 at 07:04 AM
wow! I had such a physical reaction to this, I have learned that I gotta quit checking on 14's new stuff while trying to eat lunch! love it love it love it! thanks, 14~
Posted by: me | October 20, 2005 at 01:12 PM
14 you are the greatest. I have been your fan since we were teenagers. But, you still amaze me after all these years. Plus, you're hot.
Posted by: richdelux | October 21, 2005 at 01:30 PM
your talent amazes me!
Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) | October 23, 2005 at 07:55 PM
Good work, but you missed the lazy eye :(
Posted by: Fug. | October 26, 2005 at 01:42 AM
Personally, i think paris hilton is so cool. She has the looks and the personality. Paris Hilton gets stereotyped because shes famous, im damn sure theres millions of girls out there just like her. So what if she produced a sex tape? WHATS IT GOTTA DO WIT YOU?! ALL IN ALL..SHES PRETTY AND UR NOT..GET OVER IT HATERS..UR ALL JEALOUS:P
Greetings from England x
Posted by: DaVE!! | October 31, 2005 at 02:57 AM
Excellent work 14. You talent extremly talented.
BTW Fug, yeah she is famous...could you remind me why? What is Paris' talent??? Except for being a total slut!?! So no,we are not jealous, just sick of seeing her...Maybe people are sick of useless girls with no brains...Royalty? No thanks...
14 that's a very representative portrait!
Posted by: ThePinkFreak | November 01, 2005 at 08:53 AM
oups I meant: You are extremly talented.
Posted by: ThePinkFreak | November 01, 2005 at 10:14 AM
and my message was for DaVE!!
LOL...
Posted by: ThePinkFreak | November 01, 2005 at 10:15 AM
i love your art work it is great. i especially love your hotel paris. i could not not stop laughing it was so funny and right on thr mark. please continue your great work because i always get a big laugh from your pictures.
Posted by: sheri | November 06, 2005 at 07:47 PM
This is my concept for a new Paris Hilton reality show. This would have the entire nation watching weekly.
Paris is cutoff from her family wealth, for good. Not just for the new show, but for the rest of her life. The producers of the show find her a small studio apartment with a monthly rental rate of $1,200.00, a few skirts, jeans, tops, shoes, no funiture.
Her mission is to:
a. Find a job so she can pay the rent, food, and utilities.
b. Since she does not have a car, once she finds a job, she has to figure out how she's going to save enough for the downpayment on a used piece of shit car, and then pay for the gas registration, insurance, and repairs.
c. Since the apartment is not furnished, she will also need to find a second job at night, so she can buy second hand furniture at thrift shops.
d. If she wants to maintain the color of her hair, she'll have to save her nickles & dimes in a jar, and then go to CVS and buy her color in a box. Then we would get to see her with tweety bird head in her stained kitchen sink.
Now, tell me, don't you agree that this would be the most watched show in TV history?
Oh, the title of the show?
"Ms Hilton, Welcome To The Real World!"
Steve
Posted by: Steve | November 07, 2005 at 05:40 PM
I don't know why, afterall I don't know her personally, but I just HATE Paris Hilton.
She is so mean to ordinary people, atleast was on her show. Royalty atleast is kind to their subjects, she degrades "hers".
My 16 year old daughter, given her complete lack of real world knowledge and maturity, thinks Paris is actually to be admired and copied! egads--where have I failed!
Paris is a complete and total SLUT. If my son were to ever bring her home to meet me and want to marry her, I would block the marriage, I don't care how much money she has. All the money in the world won't cure aids or herpes, one of which I would bet she already has, the other it is only a matter of time.
Yesterday, she left the scene of an accident. NONE of rich brats were given DUI or DWI tests. Why is it that this chick thinks she is royalty? because she is treated by a different standard. My sister saw her in Vegas and said that in person, she is a total SKANK!!!!
Boycott the Hilton Hotel chain, that would quite her up! or maybe just maybe her parents might actually attempt some discipline?!
Posted by: Julia | November 10, 2005 at 02:05 PM