Gallery of the Absurd

Celebrity Religious Icons

Madonna and Tom Cruise are two of the entertainment industry's most vocal religious zealots. According the the Drudge Report, Madonna says "we're all going to hell" if we don't change our "wicked behavior", and that we are "enslaved... by the material world."  She doesn't explain how she's going to get rid of her own trappings of the material world. What is she going to do with her expensive designer wardrobe, her luxury autos, her $500 beauty creams, or her several mansions? According to her logic, she better get rid of them all or else Crazy Old Aunt Esther is going to end up having eternal afternoon tea with Beelzebub.

The Scientologists don't like it when you talk about their secret "hidden truths" of the universe. They don't want you to know about Xenu, the evil ruler of the galaxy who kidnapped billions of unfortunate souls and transported them in DC-10 space planes for imprisonment in Earth's volcanoes about 75 million years ago. L. Ron Hubbard himself wrote of his memories of being an intergalactic walrus who fell out of a spaceship.  Science fiction or true religion? You decide.  Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is likely to go down in history as that Hollywood nutcase who jumped all over Oprah's couch instead of being known for his movie career.  HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Gallery Announcement:  If you're in Seattle on November 3, don't miss the opening of Crime Scene at SOIL Art Gallery. I'll be showing my painting of David Gest and Liza Minelli. Scandal!

Jackie Stallone Stars in Halloween 10

I saw a recent photo of Jackie Stallone and for the first few seconds, I thought I was looking at Michael Myers, the villian from the Halloween movies. After seeing her, I had to do a little research on what's she's been up to. I was delighted to learn that "she says her dogs channel messages from the spirt world and sends them to her telepathically".  In addition to giving birth to her "deformed son" Sylvester, she has also been a trapeze artist, a psychic, a dermatologist, and a rumpologist (a form of fortune telling using a person's....rump). Jackie doesn't hold back - she recently called Britney Spears a "tramp" and "trailer trash". Sylvester is planning a movie about his eccentric mother and Jackie insists that Angelina Jolie play the part.  Please do it Angelina!!! PLEASE!! I will SO be first in line to see that!  But first I'm going to watch Halloween 10, in which Jackie's dogs tell her to destroy the planet after she returns home from getting her lips injected with more collagen.

Invasion of the Husband Snatchers

Angelina Jolie and Tori Spelling represent two factors that may contribute to luring a man away from his wife: Beauty and Power. That's especially true in Hollywood.  Strike fear into the hearts of your married pals when you choose to wear one of these Celebrity Halloween Masks to a Hollywood costume party.  Throw on the Angelina mask and watch the room grow silent as all eyes fall upon you in awe. Try the Tori mask (be sure to switch on the battery powered flashing Daddy's Money tiara so industry folks will really notice you) and witness how everyone stops their conversation and comes running toward you. 

The Disturbingly Cute Little Forest Mushroom

For Kelly Osbourne, every day is Halloween. She's always decked out in wild costumes and dramatic hair styles. She bucks the trend of what most of Hollywood considers "fashionable" and she pays dearly for it. Just about every week, you'll find her tucked in the "Fashion Disasters" and "Hair Traumas" features of the tabloids.  Commenting on Kelly's hairstyle seen above, In-Touch magazine screeched, "Kelly looks like she's entering a war zone with that bowl-shaped helmet of hair" and then went on to compare her to Moe from the Three Stooges. When I looked at the picture, I was overcome with the sudden desire to study the field of Mycology.

Boo!

Sharky's Face Stretching Machine

I am a big fan of Burt Reynolds and have enjoyed his box office hits, as well as his flops.  I even own a Malone poster (see below) in which Burt is standing in front of an exploding inferno, firing off a huge machine gun while wearing a jet black toupee. He was aging wonderfully...distinctive, some would say....so WHY WHY WHY did he go and stretch his face out with all that unnecessary plastic surgery?!?!?  Second in my series of Celebrity Halloween Masks, this Burt Reynolds mask is sure to scare all your friends. To make your costume even MORE disconcerting, wear it while dressed in the leather daddy outfit Burt wore in Deliverance. Yikes. Thank you Karin for the headline idea!

David Gest: Scary Celebrity Extraordinaire

One of my favorite celebrity gossip stories is the one about David Gest claiming Liza Minelli beat him to a pulp after she got drunk and went into a rage.  Powder, blush and lipstick-wearing Gest tried to sue tiny little Minelli for $10 million. This painting was inspired by a photograph and story I found in Star Magazine. The headline is actual, and was cut out of the magazine and added to the painting. I'm not too sure about the validity of Gest's claim, but if I woke up next to that thing in my bed, I'd try and swat it away too.  SCARY!!! 

Paris Hilton Revisited

After considering all the comments and emails telling me that I painted Paris Hilton looking too pretty, I decided to drink a bit of wine late into the night and paint Ms. Hilton how she really looks to me. She's so blonde and tall and seems to find herself very interesting and beautiful as she slithers from party to party with various members of her entourage. I woke up the next morning, popped a few aspirin, and looked at my Paris painting and cringed at what wine and crayons can produce.  I wasn't going to post it, but thought it would make a nice intro to my upcoming Halloween Special.  Starting Monday, Oct 24th,  I'll be posting a terrifying celebrity every day until Halloween.

Paris Hilton: American Royalty

Paris Hilton was recently quoted as saying "I'm the closest thing to American royalty."  Wow, that's quite the statement. I'm sure Americans everywhere are brimming with pride as our royal highness Princess Paris shamelessly dangles and shimmies her unbearable dullness in a vapid lap dance for the world to see. According to our beloved, yet delusional Princess, royalty is characterized by shilling herself out to low grade hamburger chains, starring in a sex video, and babbling "that's hot" because she can't come up with anything else to say.  Princess Paris claims she wants to "build an empire" with her "brand" and 14 predicts it will look a lot like Wal-Mart.

Britney's New Baby Food Venture

Poor Britney Spears, keeping and entertaining that lay-about husband of hers is costing her millions. On top of that, she just spent additional millions renovating her plush Malibu mansion.  Now she has little Sean Preston to feed and bling out.  Money is running out. The stay-at-home marm can't possibly think of recording a new album and touring, so she's decided to enter the baby food industry.  She was inspired by the idea after she and Kevin went to the convenience store to pick up some dinner:

"Kevin, it sure is too bad we cain't feed our baby the same delicious food we eat."

"Dat's fo shizz Brit! I be feedin' him dis here nacho cheese sauce and he loves it!"

"Kevin!  That's a great idea! I'll go into the baby food bizness and we'll make millions!"

"Sho 'nuff Brit. Now all babies can eat as well as our little man here."

Britney Spears Baby-on-the-Go TM baby food will be sold in convenience stores around the country. Flavors include Nacho Cheese, Fried Chik'n, Pizza Stuffers, Corn Dog Puddin', and Mexican Variety Platter.