Here we see the vile alien galactic ruler XENU using his powerful Tom Cruise puppet in an attempt to trick the human population into believing his lies and deception. Every time you see Tom Cruise in a movie, a magazine, or jumping up and down on Oprah's couch, you are really seeing XENU trying to control you with his powerful hologram puppet. Recently, some clever humans have figured out how to fight XENU and we can now share this information with you. XENU hates water.
Man! I had never really read about the actual beliefs in Scientology before checking your link; I just figured TC was acting like someone recently finished with est "training". In other words, full of nervous energy, acting deliriously happy, spouting complete nonsense re: caring about the entire human race so much you have to get them all believing the same doo doo that you do. I wonder if Scientology is as expensive as est? Seems to me the Truth shouldn't cost several hundred dollars for basic training (seminars extra).
Anyway, this is even more brilliant than the Devil and Ms Holmes. I have no idea how you're gonna follow this up. Kudos to you, 14! You RAWK!
Posted by: Knuckles McGillicutty | June 20, 2005 at 02:49 PM
50 years ago his father should have just busted his load in an old dirty sock instead of his mother..
Then this world would be a better place...and we wouldnt have to worry about Xenu..
Posted by: uhhhmmmmm | June 20, 2005 at 02:58 PM
Oh yes it was great! Go to:
tvgasm.com to see the whole thing on tape!
Posted by: GRETCHEN | June 20, 2005 at 03:28 PM
I don't know why....but that puppet is fuckin hilarious.
Posted by: TSB | June 20, 2005 at 08:51 PM
"Man! I had never really read about the actual beliefs in Scientology before checking your link."
Same here. I knew L. Ron Hubbard was a whack job, but was absolutely stunned to learn about XENU. How can any sane, rational being believe this shit!?
The answer in Cruise's case is simple: he's out of his f*cking mind. We are witnessing a man not just in "mid-life crisis," but in terminal psychic meltdown. I predict a full descent into celebrity madness on a par with Howard Hughes and Michael Jackson. Stay tuned.
I understand he fired his long time publicist, and hired his sister, a devout Scientologist herself, to do his PR. (If this was "the real Tom" all along, then his prior publicist was a genius.) The timing couldn't be worse; the mask is off. This guy is clearly one sick puppy, what with infantile regression into "Risky Business" antics on Oprah, and this grotesque fist-pumping he does all the time. Is he on speed, crystal meth, some other psychotropic drug? Looks like it to me.
FWIW I've always thought Cruise sucked as an actor. His dramatic range is limited to his patented "deer in the headlights" look, invariably used to express the entire range of human emotion.
I expect to see a lot more of that in Spielberg's remake of "War of the Worlds," another film in this "Year of the Shitty Remake." My son and I are debating whether to go, but I think we will. I'm dying to see what parallels Spielberg draws to the Iraq War. And who knows, maybe we'll see why Cruise has gone crazy. Perhaps the Martians in the flick all look just like XENU.
Hey 19, er 14, keep up the great artwork. This one made my evening dear.
Posted by: Redhand | June 20, 2005 at 09:04 PM
14 rulez! 14 rulez! please keep up doing the good work! your site is the shizzle!!!and now together..14 rulez, 14...
Posted by: cipha | June 20, 2005 at 11:28 PM
man, this alien series is getting real dull... just go back to go old fashioned satirical non-alien celebrities, trust me.
Posted by: | June 21, 2005 at 03:08 AM
LOVE the tooth in the middle of his mouth!
Posted by: Laura | June 21, 2005 at 08:31 AM
Dear Mr. Dull,
prepare thyself to become consumed with ennui - I shall post NOTHING but Hollywood Alien Trading Cards from now on. Trust me.
Posted by: 14 | June 21, 2005 at 09:33 AM
Don't listen to that foo'...the alien trading cards are awesome. As awesome, if not awesomer, than your non-alien illustrations.
Keep it up, 14.
Posted by: kim | June 21, 2005 at 09:40 AM
You're wickedcool, 14! The trading cards are great, [only the boring are bored.] Cheers! That Scientology/xenu BS is CRAZY. I knew celebrities could be gullible, but holy crap, this takes the cake! They could save a lot of money by just playing with Star Wars toys.
Posted by: sweet_sweet_love | June 21, 2005 at 12:39 PM
You'd think ol' Xenu coulda made his puppet more symmetrical, instead of slapping that same crooked-assed, cattywompas grin onto the face.
I heart the Hollywood Aliens. Area 51 IS the new Viper Room, baby...
Posted by: Viper Tetsu | June 21, 2005 at 01:11 PM
See the real genius of this piece is that constipated, crumudgeony look on Xenu's face and... and... his chair.
Take a look at that CHAIR!
hahahaha too good!!
Posted by: JJ | June 21, 2005 at 10:52 PM
He also apparently lives on The Little Prince's planet!
It all comes together!
Posted by: JJ | June 21, 2005 at 10:53 PM
WWXD?
Posted by: Jimmy Fartpants | June 22, 2005 at 08:40 AM
wow. i'm the first person ever to have been blessed with a reply from 14 herself! bring on the fast downhill track... i mean, the alien cards! woohoo!
Posted by: Mr. Dull | June 23, 2005 at 08:12 AM
That is how ALL belief systems work. If, for instance, all your friends told You there was a big spook in the sky who really loved You and if You didn't love him back he would BURN YOU TO DEATH forever, chances are You would believe it too!
Posted by: P. Niss | June 28, 2005 at 09:20 AM
I love this.
Its so funny. Along with the rest of the pictures on this site
Posted by: Maria | July 07, 2005 at 02:55 AM
I have been chatting to freezoners for months but they all went nuts every time I mentioned xenu - now I wonder why that could be!!
Posted by: sunny martin | July 24, 2005 at 07:13 PM
To those who wonder how much the Scientology Organized Crime Family's "training" costs, the answer is simple: whatever you have and can beg, borrow, or steal. They want it all. The total can easily reach hundreds of thousands of dollars. It's cheaper to call a telephone psychic or phone sex operator and talk for hours a day than to get suckered into Scientology. Time magazine dubbed Scientology "The Cult of Greed," and for good reason. That's just what it is.
Posted by: Cap'n Bob | August 03, 2005 at 06:15 AM
He's crazy. Does he really think that aliens are stuffing souls into volcano's? He should be comitted. Poor Oprah, it was such a nice couch too...
I only have one thing to say to Katie Homes: RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!
Posted by: Long Island Irish | August 19, 2005 at 06:38 PM
Here are Tom and Katie aliens :)
Take a looksee
Posted by: pixel876 | October 19, 2006 at 04:33 AM
HAIL XENU!
Posted by: XENU | January 20, 2008 at 06:58 AM
Oh, I don't know if he's nuts or not. I'd sooner fall for the Zenu story (we at least can begin with the premise that there IS, in fact, the probability of life on other planets) than for any other, much more far-fetched story being sold by the religious fanatics our society DOES accept. And if it's true love making him that nutty, hell, I can't say I wouldn't like a bit of what he's on. And I think most of us would, if we weren't so busy bitching about celebrities and their personal lives.
Posted by: ivy s. | August 10, 2008 at 10:28 PM