Hollywood Aliens: Jessica Simpson
This is first in a series of my Hollywood Aliens Trading Cards. The alien shown above is an evil Dingbaticus from Planet Vapid. They're sent to Earth to trick unsuspecting humans into thinking the Dingbaticus is talented and entertaining, but their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto superficial drivel. Be warned, too much exposure to this nefarious beast will eventually cause the brain to atrophy. If you find yourself doing things like watching Britney Spear's "Chaotic" reality show, or if you find Tom Cruise to be the least bit compelling, seek help immediately...you may have been infected by the woeful Dingbaticus.
Here is further proof of the extraterrestrial origin of Jessica Simpson. Sometimes, if the paparazzi capture the right lighting and camera angle, the true nature of the insidious Dingbaticus is exposed. Run for your life.
Holy fuck. Your blog is the greatest thing the internet has spewed forth in a long minute.
Linked up for sure. Please stay gold.
Posted by: Mayfield | June 03, 2005 at 01:55 AM
Really Cool!!
Posted by: Gotinha | June 03, 2005 at 02:35 AM
I'm also looking forward to the rest of the series.
Not only are you an awesome artist, your writing is great too! it's very funny.
Posted by: LA | June 03, 2005 at 06:19 AM
I dunno...her boobies seem a little small...
Posted by: Knuckles McGillicutty | June 03, 2005 at 07:10 AM
i love your blog. man, i swear jessica has the weirdest eyes and mouth.
Posted by: val | June 03, 2005 at 08:11 AM
Friggen hilarious. All of your stuff is superb.
Posted by: DonnaJEM | June 03, 2005 at 08:13 AM
This explains so much!
Here I thought Simpson was actually dead a la "Death Becomes Her " and had been accidently buying the wrong can of spray paint to cover her ass. Orange is hot! We better watch out! These aliens are obviously trying to procreate with humans. The sad part is they prefer their own, Case in point the romps with Ribidicus Jack Assicus instead of her human boy Nick.
Tragic!
Posted by: GRETCHEN | June 03, 2005 at 10:40 AM
You're on fire 14! Slowly the puzzle unfolds. Briliant!
Posted by: farmerbob | June 03, 2005 at 12:27 PM
Just a quick note to let you know you're fucking brilliant.
Posted by: Kim | June 03, 2005 at 01:21 PM
This website rocks. 14, how old are you, are you a female? I'm 16 AND a female, just need to know who does this amazing website.
Also you had P.Diddy right on. I always noticed his mouth open but never thought he was a mouthbreather! No wonder J.Lo broke up with him!
Posted by: Captain Llama | June 03, 2005 at 01:38 PM
i love your work so much. I need to commision a triptych.
Posted by: Katja | June 03, 2005 at 01:54 PM
Ha! It's too late for me - I'm completely infected with Dingbaticus. HELP ME! ;) By the way, my boyfriend HATES Jessica Simpson - he would love to smash her teeth in. I know it sounds harsh, but it's pretty funny how worked up he gets considering how non-violent and passive he is. Keep the good stuff coming - I love it!
Posted by: J-Bo | June 03, 2005 at 03:29 PM
If you listen closely to the audio on all of that bootleg UFO footage over Area 51, that's not tape hiss you're hearing. It's Jessica Simpson's 'In this Skin' chirping away...Goddammit, I KNEW somethin' was up.
As for your text; your satirical pen is as sharp and hilarious as your satirical brush and paints. Can't hardly wait to see how many other specimens of alien-ness you'll be outing...
Posted by: Viper Tetsu | June 03, 2005 at 03:59 PM
Found this site through a posting on Drawn.ca , you fourteen (14) are serious awesomeness. keep up the good work!
Posted by: R.R. Anderson | June 03, 2005 at 04:46 PM
Good on you for highlighting how utterly ridiculous and superficial these dumb ass self-centered brainless people are.
Posted by: trudi | June 06, 2005 at 02:56 AM
You've just earned yourself another fan.
Killer site.
Posted by: Mandrillus Sphinx. | June 06, 2005 at 07:50 AM
What does Jessica Simpson DO anyway? I mean, why is she famous? She seems to be just another stupid face in a seemingly endless procession of morons, barbie girls, and
no-talent ass licks.
Excellent site, 14.
Keep 'em comin.
Posted by: Miss Go Go Boots | June 06, 2005 at 08:21 AM
GAHH! This site rules! Her mouth is so huge! The rest of her is so orange! Exclamation points totally necessary!
Posted by: TSB | June 06, 2005 at 10:24 PM
I always thought Jessica looked carnivorous...looks like I was right! She always looks like she's about to chomp into anything that gets too close. Scary! Great ATC too!
Posted by: Benita | June 09, 2005 at 06:32 PM
Brilliant... I agree with all of the above. :D
Posted by: Ivonne | June 12, 2005 at 04:49 PM
This is an amazing site! We need to stop buying into all this crap! Your site points out how weird and jacked up these "celebrities" really are. Great writing and boy did you nail P. Diddy. RISE UP NORMAL PEOPLE!
Posted by: Lisa21 | June 15, 2005 at 11:59 AM
Hilarious. I love your site. But "their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto superficial drivel." I am momentarily sobered. Yet your mockery takes the diversion to a meta-level and still the "facts and issues" elude me. What are these things of which you speak? Do you have some works that use your amazing talent to focus on these alleged facts and issues? Perhaps a separate outlet? There is only Dingbaticus and related fauna here.
Posted by: Rezwan | June 19, 2005 at 06:51 PM
http://thebosh.com/archives/2005/06/jessica_simpson_7.php
whore
Posted by: Katie | June 21, 2005 at 06:46 PM
you're really great, so funny
Posted by: sookj | June 22, 2005 at 08:12 AM
I can't stop laughing at this picture - it's so dead on, right down to the latest trend in celebrity skin color - 'Tangelo'.
Posted by: candy b | June 26, 2005 at 10:03 AM
The sidebar on my homepage says movie revenues are at an all time low....Well, duh!!!!!!!! Like, tangelo is a skin color? P.S. All the posts herein have resurected my faith in mankind....my mankind, not Hollyweird's!!!!! 14, you are the bomb.... i would pay for your website, just post your bank account number....Onedog on Maui.
Posted by: Doug Wade | June 28, 2005 at 12:21 AM
As someone who went to high school with this b*tch, it amazes me how well 14 has captured the essence of the dreaded JS, before and after massive amounts of plastic work. And for those wondering how she managed to worm her way to the entertainment sewer, three things: 1) Start-up money. 2) Ambitious, sick, shrewd businessman posing as a father. 3) The alien lineage.
Keep up the good work 14. :)
Posted by: Stephanie | July 14, 2005 at 10:05 PM
get a life people! Jessica Simpson is asume!
Posted by: Matthew | August 22, 2005 at 04:36 PM
Jessica looks hotter than most of you ugly cunts. 99.9% here are fucked up and jealous.
Posted by: DEREK | November 15, 2005 at 10:51 PM
She is a wing nut!! People say her stupidness is an act, I beg to differ...."Now Nick, what did you say I was eating tuna or chicken? It tastes like tuna but the can says "Chicken of the Sea"? A dah!!!!! She gets the ding bat award for that!!
Posted by: JessyGirlNot | February 01, 2006 at 10:45 AM
wow, how pathetic, you people really have nothing better to do haha
Posted by: Sara | April 20, 2006 at 08:22 PM
The only Duffs and Simpsons I want to ever see is Homer holding his favorite beer!
Posted by: Rogo2000 | August 26, 2006 at 06:39 AM
In response to Matthew up there...
If I ever get jealous of a stretched-out, microwaved Barbie head I hope to be shot. A website like this is necessary to help us keep from admiring these people too much.
Posted by: Bronwen | October 29, 2006 at 10:25 PM
Amazing how someone can post truth and turn it into comedy for others. Simpson is a shapeshifter alien. Awesome trading cards. Kind of reminds me of the Steve Jackson Illuminati 1994 world trade center cards.
Posted by: FacelessDancers | November 16, 2006 at 11:39 PM
I would just like to say, whoever sits on their computer at home and makes up blogs like these obviously has no life. You dont know jess or her family, and these remarks are out of jealousy. Grow up!!!
Posted by: misst | April 26, 2007 at 11:50 AM
I LOVE JESSICA SIMPSON!!!
Posted by: derrik | May 18, 2007 at 12:18 PM
wow somebody obviously is jealous of jessica lol mb one day u can be as rich and succesful as her im not saying shes the most talented singer or actress but she certainly knows wat audiences want and thats really all that matters i wish i had a huge blog about me...
Posted by: Britt08 | May 21, 2007 at 04:21 PM