Gallery of the Absurd

Phantom of the Rear View Mirror

After a series of photos were taken of Courtney Love emerging from a dark limousine, tabloids and bloggers were quick to point out her ghostly appearance. The always upbeat Daily Mail claimed frightened onlookers "drew gasps" over her ghoulish "deathly pale skin" and painfully thin frame. Commentary across the gossip blogs were nearly unanimous in deriding Courtney for her "bride of Frankenstein" pallor and "crack addict" body.

While the photographs do indeed suggest that Courtney might do well to put a little meat on her bones, I found them to be stunningly gorgeous. Courtney's alabaster skin appears to glow against the inky darkness that surrounds her almost as though she's her own light source. The ragged, see-thru lace gown suggests an elegant faded glory even though it looks like something yanked down off grandma's curtain rod. The eye can't help to be drawn to the saturated crimson red of her cartoon lips as they provide the only spot of color in the photograph. Bravo to the photographer who captured the essence of Courtney Love's erratic personality. I know many won't agree with me here, but I'd much rather see a real and slightly crazy human being in a see-thru dress than a bunch of vapid wooden-posed air-heads with see-thru personalities. Medium: Gouache, acrylic, iridescent glitter on paper with a touch of photoshop. Painted as a gift for my friend Chrissa.

Angelina Jolie As The Little Engine That Could

Angelina Jolie and her brood star in the celebrity version of The Little Engine That Could, a classic children's tale about determined optimism and courageous intent. Angelina and Brad Pitt are planning on adopting up to 14 kids (such a fortuitous number!) and while that may seem daunting, they claim they're up to the challenge. She thinks she can, she thinks she can... Medium: graphite sketch, digital color.

Here's a sneak peak at one of the pages scanned from the book. Lavishly illustrated, this modern hero's tale is sure to inspire today's celebrity-obsessed generation. Written by Candy Kirby, illustrated by 14. Medium: scanned page from Little Golden Book version of The Little Engine That Could, photo collage.

Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies, Part 1

You can always tell the summer months are upon us as soon as Star magazine's Best and Worst Beach Bodies issue hits the newsstands. The cover features a collection of celebrity bodies coupled with prominent yellow tags stating either "Best" or "Worst" depending on the amount of flab, the diameter of the waistline, or the presence of "moobs".   Lucky photogs with cameras handy the moment they spot celebrity cellulite are rewarded handsomely for their catch. Once the sale is made (usually to a UK tabloid newspaper), the photo is seen by millions around the world after being posted on countless blogs, commented upon by the masses, and deemed newsworthy enough to appear on Fox News.  The humiliated celebrity then issues a statement claiming the photo is "doctored" and reassures the public they're happy with their bodies.  The body drama continues as Star slaps the photo in the Worst section of their beach bodies feature and includes a catty description.  It's said the Best and Worst Bodies issue is one of Star's best sellers.  Attention-hungry Phoebe Price was caught in the cross hairs and made the cover of Star as this season's best Worst body...probably not the kind of attention she wanted. Medium: ink, watercolor in sketchbook.

David Hasselhoff was deemed a Worst beast beach body because of his "seriously scary chest" and was chided for going "way downhill since his beach-ruling TV heyday."  He looks fine to me, although there is something about him that reminds me of the infamous Patterson photo of Bigfoot. Medium: exactly one hour spent smearing oil pastel and charcoal around on paper.

Poor old Janice Dickinson, Star magazine claims "nothing short of a burlap sack could disguise the world's mouthiest supermodel's beauty problems, from a crumply rear to her cups, which runneth under." Medium: pastel and pen on paper.

The Best High-Speed Car Chase Scene of All Time

I love muscle cars from the 60's. I love high-speed car chase scenes. I love Steve McQueen. Therefore, I love the movie Bullitt. I took a black and white photo off the idiot box while watching the Bullitt car chase scene for the 100th time and then downloaded it and painted over the top just for kicks. I also used this image for a post while guest blogging over at The Film Experience blog.

Controversial Alien on Film Truth Exposed

Last week it was announced that a Denver man had come forward with videotaped evidence proving the existence of extraterrestrial life. The tape shows a large-headed, dark eyed creature peeping through a window. Much debate has erupted over whether the video is authentic or simply CGI trickery. Being somewhat of a UFO buff myself, I took a still of the film and ran it through several sophisticated photo filters and data imaging programs and am pleased to share the results with my readers. As it turns out, the video is nothing more than a security surveillance tape from a Beverly Hills Hermes store window. The "alien" in question is clearly an image of Victoria Beckham gazing through the window, her eyes filled with hypnotic yearning as she contemplates the next $9,000 purse she's about to purchase.

Here's the original still from the film.

Gossip Trading Cards: Jack Nicholson, Geriatric Gigolo

Hollywood is filled with wealthy old coots who still manage to lure lovely young women to their bedrooms, but none come close to the effortless endearing cool embodied by Jack Nicholson, Geriatric Gigolo. Most Hollywood studs of advanced age attempt to maintain their youth by going under the knife, recieving hair transplants and maintaining their waistlines with heart-healthy diets low in carbs, high in fiber...but not Jack.  He lives life by his own standards and gives not a care what anyone thinks about it. On any given day, he might choose to wear swim trunks and let his quivering pendulous belly flap in the breeze as he chows down on a huge submarine sandwich while knocking back beer and cigarettes as doting young females throw themselves at him. Keep an eye on Jack this summer. You'll see plenty of paparazzi photos of him on yachts, eating steaks, drinking wine and whispering cigarette smoke-infused sweet nothings into the tender young ears of giggling bikini-clad women eager to follow him back to his bedroom. Medium: graphite drawing, digital color. Much thanks to Lynn for the alliteration.

The back of Jack's Gossip Trading Card contains fascinating information regarding career highlights and vital statistics written by film geek enthusiast, Viper Tetsu.

Haiku Movie Review: Sex And The City

Manolo Blahniks

come in eight different shades of

I don't give a sh*t

I came across Viper Tetsu's haiku movie review of Sex And The City on his blog "In The Future, Everyone Will Be Haik'ud For 15 Minutes" and had to post it here because it fits my sentiment exactly.  I know since I'm female, I'm supposed to be salivating over the movie's opening and calling all my girlfriends to meet for cosmos before we teeter over to the theater in our Manolos...but it's not happening. I might have considered seeing the film had it included a few heart-pumping car chase scenes, huge fiery explosions, hundreds of wild chimps set loose in the city, or maybe a few scenes including Godzilla or Mothra, but no such luck.

Clay Aiken's Pregnancy Poster a Big Hit With Claymates

I apologize, but this is the first image that popped in my head when I saw the words "Clay Aiken" and "Pregnant" together in the same sentence.

Gleeful Claymates scrambled to get their hands on the hot Clay Aiken Pregnancy poster to add to their treasured collections of Clay memorabilia. Mildred Norgaard, president of the Minnesota Rockin' Grannies Claymate Club says, "I just bought a dozen copies of the poster and plan on hanging them all over my house. They'll make a welcome addition to my Clay Aiken teddy bear collection. My stars, that young man just makes me swoon!" Sources say the poster is selling out at all Midwest area Wal-Marts. Our congrats to Clay.

Panic Ensues As Terror Alert Heightened to Donut Level

The Department of Homeland Security has raised the U.S. Terror Alert to Donut Level after TV food terrorist Rachael Ray was shown threatening weapons of mass consumption while wearing a paisley scarf in an undated video obtained by the CIA. Rachael is seen violently shaking her finger while urging Americans to eat more sugary, deep fried Dunkin Donuts. The weapons of mass consumption can be seen stocked inside Rach's secret underground bunker, a clear sign she's planning an attack. The FBI is warning all Americans to be on heightened alert and exercise caution if spotting a person wearing the dreaded paisley scarf or if encountering anyone who recommends serving Hot Dog Mac and Cheese at a dinner party. Medium: photo collage, much thanks to Lynn and Dr. L for the tip.

It's Hard To Tell The Difference Between Heidi Montag and Jeff Polage

I've saved the most delightfully depraved photos for last. Jeff Polage shamelessly pranced and skipped around the swanky hotel pool while wearing a pink bikini with dark socks as puzzled CAA agents stopped their important pool-side meetings in mid-sentence to gape in bewilderment at the jarring sight.

Jeff easily adopts her lanky, awkward and hurky jerky gesticulations as I shout, "I need you to open your mouth more!"

That Heidi Montag, always sticking her ass up in the air. More photos here.